Reflecting
Today is my 34th birthday. As this posts, I am very likely in a Modern class, trying my best to get all the movements. Getting used to my new life has been a process. I have been working in between classes, doing homework while I do my recovery routine, and scheduling meetings around training and rehearsals. I have never been more happy in my life.
There are times in class when I feel so full of gratitude that I nearly cry. I don’t know how to express the joy I experience as I get ready for the day. I experience difficulty every single day. Sometimes it is accessing the will to leave my bed, others it is retaining all the information being poured into me by my professors, and most times it is simply managing my time to handle my responsibilities.
Baby me. I was so cute.
My birthdays always make me think about how I got to where I am. I have never been particularly great at sticking to conventional timelines. In my long-standing friend groups, I watched my friends get degrees before me, married before me, buy houses, have children, and do all the things that were indicators of adulthood to me. There were years of struggle and finding my way, feeling alone, but having my chosen people at my sides and my back. Even still, I felt behind for a long time.
The past few years have taught me that timing is divine. I was never delayed, it just wasn’t my moment! I wanted so many things, and now, looking back, I know I wasn’t ready. I thought I had missed the opportunity to go to college for dance. Now - aching knees, back, and all - I know that I did not have the discipline to do it at seventeen. I did not have the will to push myself at twenty-two. I didn’t have a partner who freed up space and made my life easier so that I could prioritize school and work.
I have experienced more life and have settled into this iteration of myself in a way that the younger me could not have fathomed. I am not everything I was raised to be, and I am so grateful for that. I sometimes try to imagine the woman I would be if I were, and I don’t like her. I don’t like her, and there is no desire or need to mourn her. I would have been incredibly unhappy and - to be honest - bitter.
My life is not perfect, but it is mine to mold, and I love that. With everything I have going on, I have been prioritizing the relationships I value the most and it has filled me up to the brim with joy. Living isn’t easy. It has required much. I have never had to be more disciplined. I have never had to be more patient with myself. I have never had to work this hard. Yet, here I am. I am rooted in knowing that I am meant to be doing exactly what I am doing. I am rooted in knowing that my ancestors have me, my Spirit crew has me, and that I have the support of the people who GET me as well as people I don’t even know who are rooting for me.
Thirty-three is gone. I bask in the dawn of thirty-four with anticipation, waiting to know how good it can get. I cannot wait to find out.
